2025 BMW F 900 XR Triple Black – SIZE MATTERS

I am, as you may know, a scandalous sizeist. My guilt in this is beyond redemption. I blame my disgraceful upbringing. When the motorcycle virus altered my DNA, one of the alterations it made was to make me believe that if I was somehow to buy a smaller-capacity motorcycle, I would be less of a man. Cool, I thought. I can work with that. And off I went.

But as much as I am hardwired against change, and new things frighten me, the world is in constant and accelerating flux. Shit is not as it once was. Once, not all that long ago, BMW F-series bikes were only of passing interest to me. I could not contemplate buying one for a whole bunch of reasons. They were not pretty. They were not tough-looking. They did not turn your brain into delighted mush when you pushed them hard. They were…well, kinda bland, I guess. They weren’t bad bikes, per se. BMW doesn’t build bad bikes. The Fs were perfectly suitable for purpose – though whatever that purpose was, it was not my purpose.

 

And then Paul delivered unto me the new F 900 XR Triple Black. I met him in Kurri Kurri. We were both nervous during the handover, but resolved to fight off any thieves, robbers, and muggers like feral beasts. Our last stand would have been inside the opening of his bike trailer, defending the F 900 XR unto our last drop of blood. The GSA I was swapping it for? That would have be sacrificed. But I was hopeful its lack of clutch would confuse the thieves.

 

At first, I thought Paul had unloaded an actual M 1000 XR, like the one I ravished myself with at the Rampage last year. It sure did look the same. Which is to say, stunning.

But come on. The F 900 XR was not the M 1000 XR. The F is an upright 900cc twin. Sure, it no longer looks like you were too scared to buy an XR and opted for something smaller and more benign at the cost of your manhood. Surely, it’s just cosmetic slight-of-hand?

 

Hell, no, pilgrim. And that’s a seriously hard “no”.

 

Look, a lot of the manufacturers have wedged all sorts of demons into their very popular upright parallel twins. And some of them have succeeded in turning the cardigan of the motorcycle engine into a sports jacket. But not one of them has managed what BMW has actually created in the F 900 XR.

 

It felt like a lighter and more nimble-handling M 1000 XR. Yes, I know. It makes almost half the horsepower and heaps less torque (you get 105bhp at 8500 rpm, and it makes 93Nm at 6750 rpm). It weighs 216kg wet, some 20kg lighter than the big, crazy one. So, on paper, you’d think: Well, it’s not going to fry my brain-stem, is it?

 

Heh. Ride it in anger. You know, like you have something to prove. Like there are girls watching. Do not ride it like you stole it. Dumb expression that. You seen anyone ride a stolen bike? They have no idea. They almost always end up in the radiator of a car.

The F 900 XR will amaze you. It amazed me. I stopped being sizeist for a time. I had questions. Why is the F 900 XR so damnably engaging to ride? “It shouldn’t be,” said my monkey brain. It hasn’t got a billion horsepowers and a million torques. My manhood should wilt the instant I sit on it.

 

I reckon it’s the way the package is put together. Everything from the ergos to the engine tune – and all the wondrous ride-aids and rider-benefits only a Triple Black comes with – work in concert to provide a truly evocative ride.

 

Surely that is the true worth of a bike.

 

I lashed the F up and down the Putty several times. No greater motorcycle proving ground exists for me. In terms of convenience, it’s ten minutes from my door. In terms of variety, it has it all. In terms of corners, there are 99 of them in 16 kays and a shit-load more afterwards. And I can ride bikes back-to-back on it, so true comparisons and conclusions can be made. Comparisons and conclusions not dulled by time.

The F amazed and delighted me on every ride. The difference between it and the say the big M? You can pin the throttle coming out of a 45km/h corner on both. But the M will engage much of its rider-aid electronics to keep you out of the traction ward. The F will just hook up and carry on. Its power doesn’t come on like missile ignition. Yes, it has all the rider aids, but it just doesn’t have to turn them on as often as the M might.

Does this make it slower? Sure, Marc Marquez. For you. Normal people need not be concerned. I’m not really all that much slower in the tight stuff on the F, and I can still see 160 through a 65-kay sweeper, and be a little more ham-fisted on the throttle. It’s sweet rather than scary, if you get my drift.

 

It was also less physically intimidating than the big one. How could it not be? It’s appreciably lighter and slimmer. It changes direction with ease, and you can adjust your corner-entries without whimpering. Size certainly does matter, but not always in the way you think.

 

I wanted to dismiss it. I wanted to disavow it. I wanted to look down my sizeist nose at it. And I just couldn’t.

 

It was just too damn good.

THE ONE I HAD

There are several iterations of the F 900. Mine was the Triple Black. So that’s the fully-loaded one, with all the bells, whistles, and dancing girls. I’m not going to list them all for you. You can certainly look them all up for yourself on the BMW website, which is HERE.

 

It’s near as damnit to $23,500-ride-away, and for a premium bit of gear like this, that’s quite reasonable.