“Why are you walking like that?”
“My perineum is brutalised beyond imagining.”
“Crazy old fool. You have no business riding pushbikes.”
“It’s not a pushbike. It’s an EMTB.”
“And that means something to me? Looks like a pushbike.”
“It’s an electric mountain bike. Yamaha’s electric mountain bike – the YDX-Moro 07. Moro means ‘mountains of the moon’. It’s a trick bit of kit. I cycled ten kilometres of terrifying trails.”
“I thought you told me Geezer promised it would be an easy ride.”
“I got lost.”
“You said they gave you a map.”
“A map is only good if you know where you are and where you want to go. The only place I wanted to go was not off the cliffs. So I didn’t look at it much.”
“It all sounds very self-inflicted to me.”
“What do you know?”
“Clearly that old fools have no business jumping on mountain bikes and pretending they’re twenty-five.”
“Don’t tell me how to live my life!”
“So how’s that meant to work then? If I don’t tell you, catastrophes occur. When I do tell you, catastrophes are avoided and we move on in harmony. What the fuck are you doing now?”
“I’m seeing just how tender it is.”
“Are you touching your man-vadge?”
“It’s not a man-vadge. There’s no access hole there. It’s a perineum.”
“Stop being disgusting. I am not sharing a bed with a man who fingers himself.”
“You could rub it for me.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“A gentle nuzzling of the afflicted area would be hugely beneficial.”
“I am not nuzzling, touching, licking, or even looking at your man-vadge. It’s not a thing. Why are you groaning?”
“My suffering is immense. I make these noises when my suffering transcends human endurance.”
“You make those noises putting your socks on.”
“I do not. The sock noises are breathier because I’m struggling for air. These are deeper. There’s more of a timbre to them.”
“I’ll bet they laughed at you. It’s not often people see an old bear on a bike.”
“Not to my face. I have too many tattoos and a reputation for bestial violence for that to happen. Besides, most of those kids have big thighs, but they have arms and shoulders like girls.”
“They can still kick you to death.”
“Hard to kick anything when you’re being choked. Why are you laughing?”
“You look so utterly miserable and entirely unthreatening, lying there caressing your man-vadge.”
“You know I’m going to write about this. Show the world what cruelty and abuse you subject me to.”
“I don’t care. Just because I won’t nuzzle your perineum doesn’t mean I’m abusing you with cruelty. Now stop touching yourself. It’s pretty disgusting.”
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