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SHIT MY WIFE SAYS – THE STICKY TAPE

A dark tale of accusation and remorse...

“I have found the sticky tape I accused you of stealing. Or losing. Or misplacing. Or whatever it is you do with stuff you take during your many Seniors moments.”

 

“Really? Where was it?”

 

“It had fallen onto the chair. I apologise for accusing you of that crime.”

 

“Wait…what the fuck did you just say?”

 

“I’m not saying it again. I said it once. Move the fuck on.”

 

“There can be no just ‘Moving on’ from here. You actually apologised to me for the heinous accusation you made. The imputations were hurtful. My character was besmirched. Were you a man, I would have demanded satisfaction in combat.”

 

“Combat? I’d stab you in your sleep. I found the sticky tape. I said what I said. Move on.”

 

“I need you to say it again. I’m gonna record it on my phone so there’s evidence.”

 

“I’m not saying it again. I said it. You heard it. Why are you coming closer to me?”

 

“I thought we could maybe have a hug, seeing as how you’ve stepped back from the brink.”

 

“Fuck off with your hugs, fool. I don’t want my arse cupped, or my tits groped. I’ve found the sticky tape. I have work to do. Go back to your office and beat the keyboard and stop staring at my tits.”

 

“Can we just go over your apology a few more times. I apologise to you over and over for stuff that I do.”

 

“As you should. Your crimes are huge and many.”

 

“Yes, but I did not steal the sticky tape I was accused of stealing.”

 

“No, but you were fuck-arsing around on my desk and pushing my shit around, and more than likely, you’ve pushed the sticky tape off the table and onto the chair. You’re clumsy and blind and indifferent to your hamfistedness. So while you are directly blame for the disappearance of the sticky tape, there was no criminal intent.”

 

“Which is why you apologised.”

 

“Let it go. Move on. No, there will be no hugging.”

 

“I promise not to use my tongue.”

 

“There are no tongues involved in hugging. Not now. Not ever. Stop pretending there are new rules.”

 

“What about a peck on the cheek, then?”

 

“Yeah, like that can happen in your world without you grabbing my boob.”

 

“I promise I won’t do that.”

 

“How can you lie with such ease? How can you utter such insane bullshit?”

 

“I’m not lying.”

 

“Now you’re lying about not lying.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“And the world returns to its axis.”

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Boris Mihailovic

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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