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LOOK AT THIS C**T – Number One in a Series

And it's gonna be a long series...

WARNING: CONTAINS IMMODERATE BUT ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE LANGUAGE

 

Look at this cunt.

 

Look at its over-weening shittery. Behold how its piss-spraying arrogance flouts itself, forcing you to acknowledge its purported technical supremacy, demanding you somehow deem it superior to all others of its filthy ilk.

 

This is what happens when some diabolical Kiwi bog-pig imagines he is going to build a better mouse-trap and ends up creating a fuck-gutter full of shit.

 

Fucken cunt.

 

Get fucked. You’re a piece of fucken Tupperware, you over-complicated, up-yourself, plasticky fuck-knob.

 

Just who was the massive cunt who woke up one day and thought: You know, normal plastic containers just don’t…well, do it anymore? I’m going to design one that is so pants-shittingly superior to all others, my boss will suck me off and finger my arse in gratitude.

 

You can get fucked right along with the cock-hole container you designed, you cunt. You better hope I never find you. I will make soap out of you after feeding your corpse into wood-chipper. You think the pricks in Fargo invented that?

 

We have had Tupperware for eons. The Vikings used to pack their stinking fish into it when they sailed the North Sea, bringing fire, sword, a bit of trade, and big groaning erections to forcibly improve the local gene pool, to the dank English.

 

Plastic food containers abound in our world. Every single Chinese and Indian restaurant on this earth has plastic containers which lock almost all the air away from the contents, and can be stacked in towers (for convenience when not in use) that reach the ceiling. Or the moon.

 

They cost less than a fucken cent to make because they’re made from beaut Bat Empire plastic which everyone knows is an endlessly renewable resource. And of course it is. That’s how the Bat Empire works. It has endless resources of everything, which is why it must be attacked by the God Empire, whose entire population is whacked on meth and wants to fight with everyone all the time.

 

But that’s a different pile of cunt.

 

We are now dealing with the ubiquitous plastic container for leftovers – and the cunt which wishes to supplant it.

 

The original container is made from shit we have boundless supplies of, like petrol, endocrine disruptors, bisephenol A, phthalates, and “forever chemicals” like per-and-polyfluoroalkyl substances. Note the “forever” appellation. Yeah, they are for-fucking-ever, bitches, so we shall never run out of the fuckers.

 

We call the these plastic containers “Tupperware” as a catch-all phrase, but that’s actually a brand-name for “plastic containers with a lid that seals”, but who gives a fucken shit? It’s not like they cure cancer or give you a more attractive phallus. All they’re meant to do is keep the slop you eat from rotting too fast – so nothing earth-shattering at all.

 

They does this by keeping out the rot-inducing air, shielding the food with the aforementioned forever chemicals, so you can put it in the fridge for a year or so, forget about it, then remember, and then throw it into the bin, container and all.

 

It is a simple thing. We perfected it a long time ago. And we moved the fuck on with our lives, secure in the faith we had solved mankind’s not-even-really-so-pressing short-term food-storage issues for all time.

 

And then this cunt comes along. This utterly over-engineered cunt of a cunt’s cunt. The Sistema version of a simple plastic container with a vaguely air-tight lid (already manufactured in the trillions because it does the job), has arrived – like a cunt.

 

This blue-flanged Sistema cunt contains a fuck-tonne more plastic than the normal container. It is thicker. Like seriously thicker. So, it is heaps more expensive. Like, heaps. Thus it’s not meant to be disposable. Like what kind of gronk chucks out a $25 container that’s been storing moussaka in it for two months?

 

No-one has any issues with chucking out a cheap (or free with your last Chinese meal) container containing rotten food, do they? Out she goes. Rot, mould, fungus, and all. You don’t even think about it.

 

But not this expensive blue-flanged fucker. You best be washing this cunt. It cost too much to just get chucked. And you have to hand-wash it, because if you put it into a dishwasher, it will warp from the nuclear heat those fuckers generate, and then it won’t work, and then you MUST chuck it.

 

That right there is enough for it be deemed shit.

 

But there are also other reasons. Like the lid.

 

The lid, as you’ve guessed, sits on top of the cunt, and lets in air, until you snap the blue flanges into place. Then it lets in less air.

 

Does it do this better in any fucken way than the container it is meant to replace? Fuck no. It’s actually heaps more shit at what it’s meant to do than the tenth-of-a-cent cunt it’s meant to supplant.

 

You see, the blue flange cunts break off. They then behave like even bigger cunts when you try and click them back into place. What is meant to be a quick thing – tip plate of leftovers into container, push the lid on until it kinda clicks, chuck it all in the fridge, go back to couch – becomes something far, far more fucked.

 

This is because the lid has to sit just so in order for the blue-flanged cunts to work. Operating it becomes a process of precision. And why the fuck must it be that? And then, sometimes, the blue flange comes out of its dual socket and must be placed back. This is another exercise in precision. And precision is not something we need to be tasked with by a fucken food container, is it? The Bat Empire, bless it’s funky laboratories, knew this when it invented the original container.

 

The original container ensures all I’m doing is putting fucking leftovers into the cunt and pushing on a fucken lid. Millions of cunts are doing the same thing every second of every day somewhere.

 

Some cunt inventing another way – an entirely more complex and fraught way – of doing this, should be identified, made to kneel, and bashed with a concreting shovel until his face falls off. Then the wood-chipper and then made into soap. Soap for washing pigs.

 

How the ever-loving fuck was this an improvement over the previous thing? What kind of shitbird signed off on this length of flaccid cock when it was put in front of him?

 

Why was the cunt who came up with the idea not had his shit chucked into a box, marched out of the building by security, hacked into bite-sized chunks by vicious drug-fiends and fed to the bin-chickens? Then wood-chipper and pig-soap.

 

That’s how stupid cunts who take the piss must be treated in this world, and rightly fucken so. It’s the only way they will stop taking the piss.

 

But no. Instead, the cunt who made this blue-flanged cunt and presented to the cunt who signed off on it and put it into production, was probably given a pay rise and a nice pat on the head. And the cunt who signed off on it was no doubt given a bonus.

 

Thus came the blue-flanged Sistema cunt unto the world.

 

And it can get utterly fucked. Cunt of a thing.

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Boris Mihailovic

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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