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DEAR BMW, ABOUT THIS GS HERE…

You're not even kidding, are you?

Dear BMW,

 

You bastards do have a sense of humour. I knew it. I’ve been to Bavaria. I know where the Fun Germans live.

I may be getting ahead of myself, but.

 

The Swiss built this, didn’t they? The chocolate-eating mountain climbers got hold of one of your new GS1300s, ate far too much chocolate one evening, inhaled a heap of that crisp alpine air, and made this.

Imagine this in Hate Black with just a few little racing-colour touches. Giz tissues!

“Gott in Himmel!” as they say in the German classics.

 

It is hands-down the most beautiful and vicious-looking GS ever created. How the Swiss could even do such a thing is a mystery. All this time I thought they were too busy guarding the Pope with pikes and minding Illuminati money.

 

A paradigm has been taken and completely re-invented. This is world-changing stuff.

Not sure why it has Brad Binder’s race number on it.

Smart people will already know important things about the GS. They will know it is a superb and hideously fast and efficient sealed-road carver. I have seen these things devour sports bikes. Had it done to me and then done it myself a few times. On dual-purpose tyres no less. On sticky hoops, its ability is just ridiculous.

 

Yes, we know it’s an “Adventure” bike – and probably and maybe arguably, the very finest of those ever built – precisely because it can do so many things so well, and a few things better than any other bike. By any objective measure, the GS is the incarnation of motorcycling “Adventure”.

 

However, Germans are not Italians. You guys have invariably leant towards function over form and because of that, your bikes never caught fire like the Italians ones did.

This is where Mein Herr’s Hodens will abide.

But let’s face it, the GS was never going to win any beauty contests. It always looked better dirty, like any such thing should.

 

And then you made the new one. You gave it bigger balls, “Hodens” I think you call them, and you made it lighter. And then you made a big effort to make it look…well, meaner, I guess. I love that whole X thing that’s going on with the headlight. It says “Out of the way, slow thing!”

Purpose incarnate.

It was a lovely cake, which I have yet to ride, and then I saw this thing. This was that GS cake with icing and sprinkles and evil. So, so, so much evil. I would have painted it black with red highlights, but I know you’re wedded to the BMW race colours.

 

I can see you all right now, in your German staff cafeteria, the cafeteria that has German beer on tap like any civilised nation should, laughing and drinking and bellowing “Prost!” as you celebrate the VTR Motorrad version of the new GS.

Yes, I am jealous. Sorry. Not sorry.

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Boris Mihailovic

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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