What this country needs is bears. Big, fuck-off, in-your-face-and-eatin’-it bears. And lots of them. Roaming free and nasty throught this great brown land. The benefits are vast and manifold. And we, as a country, should immediately understand this, and commence the importation, breeding and settlement of these ursine nightmares.
For far too long we have been a country whose most dangerous wildlife is nothing but a bunch of cold-blooded, sneaky motherfuckers. Sure, out of the 10 most deadly snakes on earth we have 27 of them. But in real terms, these reptiles are chicken-bitches who slither through the undergrowth and run from the steps of man. You got to be really unlucky, or stupid to run afoul of one of them.
Saltwater crocs? Meh. Who the fuck lives up where those bastards are anyway? No-one of any consequence. And it’s not like the salties are climbing in through peoples’ windows and eating their children, is it? Last I looked, most of them have been tamed and are performing dolphin-like stunts for greasy German tourists up near Darwin somewhere.
And that kinda leaves us with that squishy box jellyfish rubbish. Really? That’s the nil plus ultra of evil animal life downunder? Please.
The fucken useless fucken sharks eat most of them cunts anyway. When was the last time a surfer was dragged into the depths of the sea and stabbed to death by a box jellyfish? Yeah, that’s right. Never.
No, what we need is bears. That would man us the right the fuck up. And manning-up is something we so desperately need. There are far too many girl-armed, skinny-jean wearing pseudo-men slouching about the place with their stupid beanies perched on the back of the pointy heads.
A fortnight of bear-fighting in Riverina or on the banks of the Murrumbidgee would soon sort them out. Our gene pool would be grateful and made more robust as a result.
Just think how much more exciting camping would suddenly be? You would know where your kids were ALL the time, and your vacuous girlfriend would suddenly understand why nature made her cranky and surly and aggressive during that time of the month. A menstruating woman is certainly a worthy opponent for hungry brown bear. Hell, bears seek such women out to measure themselves against them. It’s like a rite of passage for them. Ask any American indian.
And certainly roadside breakdowns would become tests of courage and manhood, rather than exercises in chain-smoking and sunburn and waiting for the NRMA.
There would be no more Malcom Nadens frightening our police forces. There would be no more hitchhikers tempting the Milats of this world unto their own damnation. And there would be no more litter, or roadkill, or feral animals causing untold millions of dollars worth of crop damage to our agricultural industries.
Our sheep population would also benefit and become stronger, faster and grow much better wool, because fear of being eaten has been scientifically proven to improve the breed of near on everything.
If we were smart, and we are, we would endeavour to cross breed polar bears with Kodiaks, and thus create a bear that could adapt to any climate and be twice as large and four times more aggressive than anything those smelly French-Canadians can cook up.
The Great Aussie Hell-Bear, we would call it, and we would no longer have to hang our head in national shame upon the world stage as foreigners point and laugh at that facile, stoned, ribless fuck-that-isn’t-even-a-real-bear koala prick.
We would have a real animal.
An animal worthy of the name “animal”.
An animal that we could respect and fear in equal measure.
An animal that could replace the leaping rat and the strutting chook that currently soil our otherwise glorious coat-of-arms.
An animal we could battle with, and send our teenage sons to kill with sharpened lengths of gum tree to prove to us that they are men and worthy of a place of high honour among us.
It’s time to man up, Australia, and get some fucking bears up in our national shit.
It is the only way forward for us as a nation.
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Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.