At this point in Australia’s history, I could mount a very compelling argument that would see many of our local, state, and federal politicians herded into re-education camps like the Bat Empire has in Xinjiang.
“Transformation through education”, bitches.
It will get shit done. And shit needs to be done, because right now, shit is not being done. All that IS being done is signs are being put out declaring shit is being done, when any mouth-breathing idiot can clearly see no such shit is being done at all. There are just signs telling lies.
These signs state “ROADWORKS”. And they are serious signs. Big black writing on a yellow background – the most visible representation of text the human eye accepts. But they lie.
I have travelled many thousands of kilometres in the last few months through NSW and Victoria, both on a bike and in a car, and these ROADWORKS signs are everywhere – as they should be because our roads are gob-shittingly shit.
They have always been kinda shit, but a succession of bushfires, floods, and boss-level rain, have seen our roads simply fall apart and become shit on a medieval Mongolian level.
The problem is so large, our various parent-clusters – local, state, and federal – have seemingly thrown up their hands (along with a whole bunch of bullshit-laden signs), and we can all just go and fuck ourselves and our vehicles.
Australia is a country that needs good roads. It does not function otherwise. Like, I get we aren’t able to build a high-speed rail-network in 2023 (or any time in the near future), because we’re just a country full of shoulder-shrugging fuckwits. I am reconciled with that.
But how about we do the road-thing then? I know we aren’t the best at that either (presumably because of our aforementioned shoulder-shrugging fuckwittery), and we think building two-lane expressways instead of three-lane expressways like the rest of the First Fucking World, is the go.
And I am reconciled with that as well. Fuck us. We don’t deserve three lanes anyway. It’s not like we are able to deal with two. Three would only confuse us further. Let the rest of the world have one lane for slow-moving vehicles, one for normally-moving vehicles, and one for vehicles that wish to overtake other vehicles – we will make do with what we have.
But here’s the thing – how about you gronking shit-pissers fix the fucking roads we have? It’s not too much to fucking ask, so don’t say it is, given the groaning giga-tonnes of money you leech out of us with every litre of petrol we buy.
The Australian Automobile Association explains it all HERE, but if you can’t be arsed reading its mealy-mouthed bleating, let me synthesise it for you:
We pay 47.7 cents to the government for every litre of petrol we buy. This financial year, we will spoof $13.7 billion into the governments’ cavernous vagina, and more than $60.1 billion over the next four years. This is what that number looks like: $60,100,000,000. A groaning giga-tonne of money, as I said. You could buy a whole other country for that – and enslave its population into fixing our roads for us.
That money, as you know, is meant to be spent – and they crossed their hearts and hoped to die when they promised this – on road infrastructure.
But that’s not what happens. Only 59 per cent of that money is being spent on road infrastructure projects – most of which seems to consist of putting up ROADWORKS signs. Fuck knows what the rat-fucks are doing with the rest of it.
There is broken, shattered, and potholed pavement from arse-buggery to shit-fuckery all over the east coast of Australia. If there’s any actual “roadworks” going on, it invariably consists of three or four late-model HiLuxes with flashing orange lights, a grader or a bulldozer, and maybe a tip-truck, and a whole bunch of blokes seemingly doing fuck-all for a few hours a day.
But most of the time and in most places, there’s just lying signs and damaged pavement.
What’s wrong with us? Why are we unable to address this issue in any meaningful way? The Bat Empire can build a hospital in a week, dig a fucking undersea tunnel in a month and jam a six-lane freeway through it a week later, and belt around their country on trains that do 600km/h.
We’re supposed to be better than them. We’re constantly told that we’re heaps beauter/freerer/international-rules-based orderer than they are, and yet they have re-education camps and we don’t.
We have been promised we’re going to be at war with the Bat Empire in three or so years, so we’ll see what we will see then, as our kids fight to tear a part of the Bat Empire away from the Bat Empire. That that part is universally acknowledged as a legitimate part of the Bat Empire seems not to be an issue (see the aforementioned shoulder-shrugging fuckwittery), and on we go.
But I digress, because I’m a little emotional about our garbage roads, and my mind wanders some. I’m sure some of you think I’m overly given to hyperbole in this regard. Fuck off. It’s every bit as bad as I’m telling you it is.
Let’s look at my local proving ground, the Mother Putty. There are several sections of this magical road which have been book-ended by ROADWORKS signs for more than a year now.
There are no roadworks going on. None. There’s just those super well-paid traffic control champions sitting on chairs in the shade of their pergolas, 24-hours-a-day, seven days a week, while automated traffic lights deal with the imposed contraflow of traffic.
No men with shovels. No collared-shirt engineers. No bulldozers. No backhoes. No trucks full of hot-mix. Just sleepy, well-paid men and women in fluoro, keeping the ROADWORKS signs company. Meanwhile, the road surface keeps degrading, making the eventual repair more costly and more extensive.
Bitches, please! Are we a First World country? Serious question. Our road network is as crucial to our nation as stable golden poles are to hot strippers. We, like they, cannot function without such a thing.
We have only two choices of government in this country. We either elect the Fascist pricks whose job it is to keep the rich people happy in the hope the rich people will be nice to the rest of us, or we elect the Communist pricks whose job it is to piss the rich people off in the hope they’ll see the error of their rich ways and be nice to the rest of us.
We get the dick either way, so it doesn’t much matter. But for fuck’s sake, how about someone somewhere, maybe at some nice power-lunch where bottles of Grange are slurped and slabs of wagyu are chewed, decides to do one little fucken thing for the Poors, just this once.
Fix their fucken roads! Let the sad, complacent serfs trundle their way around this vast land without destroying their cheap Korean cars and their budget-priced Indian bikes. Let the less-poor merchant class go sight-seeing without veering off the road in horror at some chasm that has appeared before them.
Do what the fuck you take our money off us for. Even the Bat Empire is better at this than you.
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Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.