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THIS DRIVING BUSINESS

Part of the 'Shit My Wife Says' series...

“How is it you can drive from Melbourne to Singleton in ten-and-a-half hours, but it sometimes takes you two days to get home from Phillip Island?”

“It’s a matter of variables.”

 

“Do not ‘variables’ me, bastard. You’re either speeding like a fool in the car, or you’re up to shit-buggery with your mates on bikes. Which is it?”

“Look, you have to understand my mental space in terms of cars versus bikes. I hate cars and I hate driving them. Bikes I love and I love riding them.”

 

“So you’re trying to prolong the ecstasy on a bike and trying to get the horror over as quickly as you can in a car?”

 

“Pretty much – but you are kinda right about he shit-buggery with my friends.”

 

“Oh, I know that. I’ve lost count of the times you’ve arrived home a ruined clown of a man.”

 

“Listen, if I wanted to, I could easily ride that distance on a bike in about the same time. I can be a machine that way. Mighty, determined, pig-headed…”

 

“Bullshit. You’d be stopping at every roadside Maccas and KFC to fold that shit into your guts. I can actually hear you salivate when we drive past one. And I know you’re fucking eating that shit when I’m not there to stop you. And I also know about Drive-Thrus and how handy they are when you’re driving – so wipe that outraged and offended look off your face. How many pounds of that fried shit did you eat over the steering wheel on the way back?”

 

“Oh ye of little faith…”

“I’m Catholic, bastard. Quoting Jesus at me will not make me believe your lies.”

“You have not been Catholic for decades. I cured you of that illness.”

 

“I cured myself, actually. And I am going to cure you of this fast-food mania you fall into whenever you piss off unsupervised in a car.”

 

“I’m going to suffer, aren’t I? This is going to be unpleasant., isn’t it?”

 

“Oh far less unpleasant than me beating you with a hospital piss-pot before they wheel you into theatre to replace your dead heart with that of a pig.”

 

“I love how your eyes blaze when you threaten to harm me with piss-catchers.”

 

“Do not even think of touching me, fucker.”

“You cannot punish me for Thoughtcrime!”

“Are you new here? Of course I can.”

I love her so much.

 

 

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Boris Mihailovic

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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