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SHIT MY WIFE SAYS – BATHROOM FURNITURE

I'm just trying to help...

“Do you want a chair in here?”

 

“Why would I want a chair in here? It’s a bathroom. If you want a chair in your bathroom, you go right ahead.

“My bathroom is a small bathroom. You have this big one that reminds me of a fancy hotel I saw on the Internet. Be cool to put a chair in here.”

 

“What would I do with a chair in here?”

 

“I could sit in it. And we could talk.”

 

“What? While I shower? Like that’s gonna be a thing, idiot. Move the fuck along. There are enough King chairs in this house already without you putting one in here.”

 

“King chairs?”

 

“Yes. Chairs you plonk yourself into and then hold forth while I’m trying to read, or sleep, or put my make-up on.”

 

“They’re just chairs.”

 

“They may be just fucken chairs, but you seem to think they’re thrones from which you issue edicts and pronouncements.”

 

“That’s hurtful and untrue. I’m just talking with you.”

 

“The fuck you are. You’re not interested in conversation. You see something on the news, or on your computer, and you feel the need to share that with me in the middle of the fucking night when I’m trying to sleep. When I’m reading you come in and tell me – for about twenty minutes – what a cunt Scummo is and how you wish he’d get leprosy. You even yell politics at me through the door when I’m on the fucken toilet. Now move on.”

 

“I wouldn’t need to yell through the door if you’d leave it open.”

 

“I can’t believe you’d even suggest that.”

 

“Communication is important in a relationship.”

 

“Oh my fucking God! Knowing when to be quiet is even more important! When it’s 11pm and I’m reading and yawning, is not when I need to hear that NATO is eating bags of dicks and Jens Fucken Stoltenfuck needs impaling in the best tradition of our people.”

 

“But he does!”

 

“Be that as it may, I don’t care.”

 

“Yes, you do.”

 

“Late at night all I care about is going to sleep.”

 

“And that’s what’s wrong with the world! Too much sleeping. And bathrooming. Not enough conversating about important stuff.”

 

“You’re not putting a chair in my bathroom, you mad fuck. Get out before I kill you with my hair dryer.”

 

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Boris Mihailovic

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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