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SHIT MY WIFE SAYS – NUDITY

Specifically mine...

“Can you please stop wandering around naked and sweaty?”

 

“That’s just not possible. I have been to the gym. I cannot wear clothes when I return home.”

 

“You’re like an awful hairless tattooed bear. Mother of God, I cannot have a conversation with you when you’re standing naked in the kitchen.”

 

“You’re only human. You need to control yourself. You’re not a teenager anymore.”

 

“Stop fucking following me around with your junk all out and free! I can’t even…”

 

“Of course you can. I will understand.”

 

“Get in the fucking shower, you mad cunt. It’s not remotely arousing.”

 

“Oh come on. It kinda is.”

 

“It’s so not. No! Do not touch me. You’re not fucking hugging me.”

 

“You’re just scared that if I do, you won’t be able to control yourself.”

 

“From punching you in the neck? Yes, that’s what’s bothering me the most. You’re too heavy for me to dress before the paramedics come here to electrocute you back to life.”

 

“Just leave me nude. Otherwise they will cut my clothes off.”

 

“Fuck off. You mainly wear old rags around the place anyway.”

 

“Don’t be hating on my workwear.”

 

“Workwear? You need underpants for it to be workwear – and stop bouncing on your toes. Get in the fucking shower so I can’t see you.”

 

“It’s working, huh?”

 

“What?”

 

“My glorious nakedness. Fresh from addressing the squat rack like a beast!”

 

“No. That’s not it. At all. Why are you groaning like that?”

 

“My legs hurt from addressing the squat rack.”

 

“Get the fuck away from the front door. I’m waiting for a parcel.”

 

“I’ll wait with you.”

 

“I don’t need you to wait with me. I need you to stop being naked. And get in the shower.”

 

“What if the parcel guy gets all sass-mouthed? I’ve heard him call you ‘Love’.”

 

“He’s like 80. He’s old. All old blokes call women ‘Love’. And you’re naked. You can’t fight naked.”

 

“I can so. Not as good as I can fight with clothes on, but good enough to do him.”

 

“You’re not fighting the delivery bloke naked. You’re getting in the fucken shower. Then you’re putting on some clothes and going to supermarket.”

 

“I’m not putting on undies. Just so we’re clear.”

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Boris Mihailovic

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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