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SHIT MY WIFE SAYS – “YOU NEED TO STOP KINGING…”

One thing always leads to another...

“May I have a manila folder please, light of my life?”

 

“Over there. In the box.”

 

“That’s a whole packet sealed in plastic which I lack the ability to open because I don’t have a knife or scissors on me right at this second. You need to open it.”

 

I hand her the folder because she is sitting at a table with immediate access to scissors and knives.

 

“The fuck is wrong with you?”

 

“Nothing. Just open the packet so I can have a manilla folder.”

 

“You need to stop fucken kinging.”

 

“Kinging?”

 

“Yes, kinging. There’s no crown on your head, you don’t rule by divine right, and I am not a subject.”

 

“You’re the Chief Operations Officer.”

 

“That’s right.”

 

“I’m the Chief Executive Officer.”

 

“Also correct.”

 

“That’s like a king.”

 

“Oh my fucking God! Does the word ‘King’ appear in that title you’ve given yourself?”

 

“It’s implied…”

 

“Really?”

 

“The traditional understanding is that a CEO is a king, and…”

 

“Can your son inherit the CEO title?”

 

“No…shit…”

 

“And stop getting into fucking bed like you’re about to hibernate in a cave.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“The way you get into bed every night. Get into the fucking thing like a human being. Sit on the edge, swing your legs in, cover yourself with the doona, don’t speak, and go to sleep. Simple.”

 

“Doesn’t make it much of an occasion if I do that, does it?”

 

“It’s not an occasion! It’s getting into fucking bed. Who the fuck sweeps the doona to one side like you’re unveiling a magic trick, then climbs onto the mattress on all fours, flips onto his back, and starts talking loudly about politics or the latest weird-arse Korean slasher film you’ve just seen?”

 

“It’s not like you’re asleep.”

 

“No, I’m reading a book. And stop asking me to read out loud to you. Just get in like a human being, and go to sleep. It’s a bed, not a gorilla trampoline.”

 

“I just asked for a manila folder and it’s turned into this crime-sheet you’ve created to hurt my feelings.”

 

“That’s what happens when you start kinging.”

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Boris Mihailovic

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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