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TOUCHING

Part of the 'Shit My Wife Says' Series

“Don’t you fucken touch me.”

“I’m allowed to touch you.”

“Who said?”

“The mewling priest who married us. There was a bunch of rules and then a contract we had to sign. It gave me rights. Weren’t you paying attention?”

“Not really, no. I was too busy watching that lunatic you picked as a groomsman necking a bottle of vodka as I walked up the aisle. It put me off my game.”

“He had to. It was the only way he could manage to chuck a root into that crazy moll you picked as a bridesmaid.”

“Fine. Just don’t touch me until you do something about that hair. You look like something off the National Geographic channel that’s being hunted by tribesmen.”

“That’s my Plague-beard! It is sacrosanct! It cannot be shaved until the Plague has departed. It says so in the scriptures.”

“Fuck the scriptures. Fuck the Plague. And fuck that hideous furry shit-fuckery on your face. I did not marry the village madman. Do not touch me until you fix that.”

“Then I can touch you?”

“We’ll have that discussion when I see some results.”

I love her so much.

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Boris Mihailovic

Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.

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