Australia seems to be obsessed with homosexuality. A large chunk of the country is actively hostile and hateful towards people who are attracted to other people of the same sex.
The fuck is wrong with us? Seriously? Like, there’s nothing else we have to worry about? There are no bigger or more pressing issues in this country?
The latest cataclysm of outrage comes from the thugs and rapists at one of the football clubs. The dank fucks have got all Bolshevik about wearing a rainbow on their jumpers, apparently. Their excuse? Oh, well it goes against their religious beliefs.
Oh, come on. Do you expect me, or anyone, to believe any of you gronking meatheads has even read the Bible? Don’t lie. You have fucken not. And stop pointing to Leviticus like you can even understand what’s going on there.
Fuck off. Just fuck off. You all drink piss, tattoo yourselves like…well, like the savage apes you actually are and are expected to be, earn far too much money for so little brains but have excellent strength and hand-eye-co-ordination, swear, get fucked up on drugs, abuse women, and act like total and utter fucken pieces of shit every chance you get.
No, not all of you. But a way big chunk of you. And now you want to hide behind some religious belief that apparently doesn’t allow you to wear a rainbow on your footy jumper because it offends the Lord?
Are you pig-thrusters serious? Why is this even an issue for you? Why the fuck is this an issue for anyone? Why the fuck is the media turning this into a fucken circus?
Here’s what your club should say to you, in words of very few syllables so you get it through your bison-thick skull:
“Put this on. Shut the fuck up. Go out and play. No play? Cool. Fuck off.”
And yet here we all are, listening to yet another debate about God and homos and how cunts who love God have to hate homos because God hates homos, and if you love God, then you have to hate homos too.
Yes, it is that fucken simple. And no, I do not have to and will never respect your religious beliefs, because they are shit, and you’re a fucken idiot for holding them and inculcating your kids into the same lunacy.
The whole country lost its mind a few years back when someone suggested homosexuals should be able to get married. You’d think China had just rolled into Taiwan the way everyone was carrying on. We spent millions of dollars asking the good people of Australia whether they were OK with homosexuals getting married. Turns out they were.
Turns out that lots of people, myself included, simply don’t care. Homos getting married has zero effect on me. And I’m willing to bet great deals of money that homos getting married has zero effect on you.
So why do you care? Why does homosexuality bother you so much? What is it about the whole same-sex rooting that makes you so crazy?
Go on. Say “religion”. Is it the same religion that has been buggering boys for 2000 years? You know, that Catholic one from which all the others have spun their own delusions off of.
Don’t see you fucks burning any churches or flaying any of the priests who raped your sons. Why is that? You’re perfectly fine hating on homosexuals – openly gay ones who have consensual sex with like-minded gays, and don’t hide in a cassock waiting to leap on some ten-year-old.
It’s yucky and unnatural? Is that so? Who says that? You? Science? Is you glugging down 500 beers each week, bashing your wife, terrorising your kids, shoving your pay into a poker machine, and necking enough Maccas to feed a town not yucky or unnatural? Science says it is.
Trust me, fatso. The homos don’t wanna fuck you, or convert you to pooftery. I reckon all they want is for you to stop abusing them, chucking them off cliffs, bashing them, and hating them.
But you can’t seem to bring yourself to do that, can you? Fuck them, you say. Why do they have to shove it down my throat? Why do they have to teach kids it’s OK to be gay?
The answer is simple. You need to have it shoved down your throat, you small-minded fuck, because you’re a small-minded fuck.
And your kids need to be told its OK because maybe one of them is gay, and he or she is too scared to say anything to you because he or she has seen you screaming abuse at the ones you see on TV.
Your job, as a parent, is to prepare your kids for life and all its vagaries and all its slings and all its arrows. Your job is not to wrap the little fucks in cotton-wool and shield them from the realities of the world. You do that, and they turn out just like you, you stupid piece of shit.
But of course you’d want that, wouldn’t you? As if you’re such a shining example of what is good and right and proper in this world. Naturally you’d want your kids to be just like you.
Wanting your kids to be better than you is not what this is about, is it? But that’s exactly what it should be about.
Nah, fuck that, aye? This is Australia, mate. We’re all the same here, aye? Fucken oath, we are. Got no time for poofs, or wogs, or them lazy Abos, or them cunts who wanna sneak into our country on boats and take our jobs. Poofs should stop poofing, wogs should learn to speak English and fit in or fuck off, Abos should sort their shit out, stop complaining and just get on with it, and we’ll be fucked if we let them sneaky boat-bastards in, aye?
Wait…you’re right. Not all of Australia thinks like that. Which is heartening.
But far too much of it does. Which is appalling.
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Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.