Australia needs to do some serious things. Seriously.
Some years ago, I wrote a piece called Grin and Bear It, which advocated for the introduction of bears into Australia. You may read it HERE if you’re interested.
Sadly, Australia remains un-Beared at this stage. And un-Great. The two paradigms are irrevocably linked.
We’ve got other beaut stuff which sets us on the path to Greatness – like a fat, smirking Boss Hawg, who is waiting for Money Jesus to cleanse us all with God-Plague, and a bunch of governments whose members rape chicks, jizz on desks, kill rivers and trees, and use the terrorism cops to arrest journos who laugh at them – but it’s a slow and uncertain path because we still don’t got no bears.
And that’s righteously sad, and dreadfully disappointing on so many levels, as you well understand. Our Greatness will forever elude us while we remain bear-frei.
If we had bears, then those bushfires we had last year might have placed us high in the ranks of Great Nations.
Because nothing says National Greatness like a burning Grizzly charging through a bunch of holidaying Karens on the South Coast.
Climbing up on the roof of the family’s dual-cab Ford Raptor and commencing battle would have beenn the greatest thing the world had ever seen. Burning Grizzlies can climb like motherfuckers. All you can do then is feed them your kids and pray you’ve had enough of them and that they’re proper Maccas fat, and give dad time to tear off the Raptor’s light-bar and battle the Grizzly. Cowering on a beach and waiting to be rescued by the Australian Navy is pretty naff. If the navy had to fight off a herd of burning Grizzlies as they loaded the ship’s hold with battle-hardened Aussies, well…that’s a whole other thing, isn’t it?
Such epic struggle and sacrifice is what Greatness is made of.
Then the floods came, and once again there were no bears to jazz that dreary, watery bullshit up, was there? Not a single bear was flushed from its den by rising waters to remonstrate with the populace.
Can you even imagine how our Greatness would have been ensured had we seen those painted news-molls from Sunrise being eaten by a soggy and bedraggled Kodiak on our morning TVs?
Talk about running mascara and broken nails, huh?
Or how much jumping and diving and splashing – and resultant Greatness – there would have been if a big black bear got sick of paddling in the floodwaters and decided to climb into one of them SES tinnies.
Fuck ferrying old people and their cats to high ground. That’s not heroic. Using an oar to prise chewed pensioners from the jaws of a bear is heroism, people.
But we’ve got none of that. We got the usual government lies about billion-dollar help funds, and there are still people living in tents, some of which may have washed away in the floods that followed the fires – but not one single bastard has been eaten by a bear, and not one single bastard has fought one. It is pathetic. Really.
All we now have is the endless boring drone of the Plague, and we’re all trapped in this wretched bear-free country, and we cannot leave to go where the bears and the ensuing Greatness are, and that’s pretty shit.
Other countries, better and Greater countries, are having a much more exciting time of it.
Just recently, a Bosnian bear ate three US soldiers who were on manoeuvres in the mountains of Bosnia, as part of the NATO occupation of that country. Well, the bear ate one of them. The other two soldiers have not been found, so the bear may be saving them for later. NATO is considering carpet-bombing the entire country, because NATO knows Greatness.
Even more recently, another bear chewed on four Japanese people in Sapporo – which is soon to be hosting the running parts of the Olympic games, like the Marathon (coincidence? I think not) – and everyone went all samurai on the animal. The Japanese even sent ninjas after the beast, who was seen running merrily through suburban streets with bits of someone’s grandma in its teeth. The Japanese are a Great people. No mistake.
And just three days ago, a man in Liptovska Luzna in Slovakia, was killed and gnawed on by a big brown bear – in what authorities are celebrating as the first bear-fatality in 100 years. The grateful government of Slovakia will now declare a national holiday to commemorate this great occasion and says it is the result of the bear population growing from 900 to almost 3000 in the last 20 years, as well as its human population getting fatter and slower. And less Great than it once was.
The Bosnian Serb government, whose population has only grown stronger and harder and Greater in recent years, praised shepherd Blazo Grkovic from Volujak, who recently killed a bear with an axe. Blazo has offered to travel to nearby Slovakia to teach the fat Slovaks how to fight bears with axes. And become Great again.
America is still Great. You know why? Bears. Bears are still eagerly attacking Americans at every opportunity – at a rate of about 20 per year – but the Yanks are all armed to the teeth, so these encounters are eagerly looked forward to and become part of the family’s history, to be recounted over egg-nog at Christmas and turkey at Thanksgiving.
If Trump had fought a bear, he would still be President.
Not so here in un-Great and boring-as-fuck Australia. Greatness still eludes us.
We might get the odd kangaroo come through the windscreen and scratch up the driver and passenger in its death throes, but there’s nothing great in that. At all.
In fact, the last time we went to war with a native animal, we lost. The fucken emu kicked our national arse. That is a disgrace we have yet to recover from.
We will never be a great country with a strong and proud people until we get bears. Bears are what makes nations great. You think the Russians got hard just fighting the Nazis?
Only Great countries have bears.
Shit countries have no bears and that is why they are shit. Do the research.
Bears are what makes people tough and able to endure appalling hardships – because nothing is harder to endure than fighting a bear (who has your kid in its mouth) with an axe, or a shovel, or a camping chair from BCF.
When the people must fight bears, the nation benefits, grows stronger, more resilient, and less bitchy and whiney. And it becomes Great. Australia could certainly benefit from that makeover.
It is time we, the Australian people, stopped fucking the fuck around like those soft Un-Great ponces from across the ditch in New Zealand – a country without so much as one beaut venomous anything, let alone bears – and got us some bears.
No, the saltwater crocs are just not enough. They’re far too far away from the heavily populated centres and they need water to do their best work. We’re mostly a scrubby fucken desert, in case you’ve not looked recently.
Bears, on the other hand, would thrive pretty much everywhere in this country and not have any adverse impact on our native wildlife.
Give us bears, so that we may join the pantheon of Great Nations.
It is the only way forward. It is the only path to Greatness.
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Boris is a writer who has contributed to many magazines and websites over the years, edited a couple of those things as well, and written a few books. But his most important contribution is pissing people off. He feels this is his calling in life and something he takes seriously. He also enjoys whiskey, whisky and the way girls dance on tables. And riding motorcycles. He's pretty keen on that, too.